5 Responses

  1. aliza6634 at |

    Dear Elena,

    I really loved the tone of voice in this piece I think it had a really childish and nostalgic atmosphere to it as a I read.I loved how placed the sequence of events and the first line in the story as I think it really built the suspense.

    One thing I would suggest is just going over it once more and fixing small grammar mistakes such as “Felicity starts to wake up with a very confused face as she we us laugh and she touches the toothpaste upon her face.”

    Other then that great job on this piece. I really enjoy your talent for sharing happiness through your writing; this story really made me smile.

    Sincerely,
    Aliza

    Reply
  2. zk123 at |

    Dear Elena,

    What a sweet story! I feel that this takes me back to the times I was a kid and how much fun I had growing up. The humor and suspense that was created really draws me in until the end.

    If I would correct something, it would be the gumps I noticed throughout your writing. For example, ¨There was so many things to do from enjoying a magic show to bowling with 12 girls, then during the night we did our nails and watched Tinker Bell.¨ I feel it should be corrected to ¨There was so many things to do from enjoying a magic show to bowling with 12 girls. Then during the night we did our nails and watched Tinker Bell.¨ Just something to keep in mind as you write.

    Overall, I really liked your story and the theme of your blog as well.I hope to see more stories like this in the future.

    Sincerely, Zainab.K

    Reply
  3. ariesangel at |

    Dear Elena,

    Reading this post brought back so many fun memories from that night. I truly enjoyed it because it was funny and captured the concept of little girls and there dumb ideas at sleepovers. And it made me think how I never got you back you better watch out girl.

    For improvements i would recommend re-reading your piece and fix some of the grammatical errors and watch out for those GUMPS. Another thing I would recommended is to be more descriptive for the readers so that they can paint a better picture in their mind.

    In conclusion I loves reading this post and you better watch out and sleep with one eye open.

    Love,
    Felicity

    Reply
  4. zabu118 at |

    Dear Elena,

    I really like this post and the simplicity of childhood that is captured within this. Your post brought back some similar memories for me.

    To improve I would suggest that you re-read some of your writing as there are a few grammar and punctuation mistakes here and there. I would also suggest that you go into a bit more detail with your descriptions, as this would help to paint a clearer picture within the readers mind.

    overall I loved this post and how you were so effectively able to explain the event in a clear and concise manner!

    Lots of love,
    Zabu-E

    Reply
  5. swapanthi at |

    Dear Elena,

    First off, I would like to say that the aesthetics of your blog are awesome! It totally matches your upbeat and happy vibe.

    This was entertaining and fun to read! I especially liked how you improvised and used toothpaste when you didn’t have whipped cream. It’s very nice to see that Felicity found the humour in the prank!

    One suggestion I have for you is to elaborate a little bit more and add some detail. Other than that though, I absolutely loved reading this and I was laughing by the time I had gotten through the whole thing. I look forward to reading more of your writing soon!

    Sincerely,
    Swapanthi

    Reply

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