7 Little girls. A sleeping friend. Toothpaste.
It was the year of my 10th birthday slumber party. There was so many things to do from enjoying a magic show to bowling with 12 girls, then during the night we did our nails and watched Tinker Bell. As we began to get ready for bed we slowly began to fall into slumber. The night past, to awaken us by the morning sun. We each started to wake up slowly. There was whispers as we waited for everyone to wake up; whispers about how to prank the remaining victim (whomever was the last asleep).
We waited until there was only one left; who happened to be sweet innocent Felicity. We decided to do the old whipped cream in the face prank, but there was one problem, we didn’t have whipped cream. So as being the “oldest” one, I thought that the toothpaste in the downstairs bathroom would be perfect. Grabbing the mint toothpaste tube I twisted it open, started to squeeze, and placed a glob onto her open hand.
I looked at my friends with great big smiles on their faces, “we should put more on”, said one friend, so I placed another glob onto her palm.
We then began to tickle her nose…nothing…we tickled one more time, there was a twitch, but no hand-to-face movement. As we tickled her a third time the hand came closer and closer to her face then, SPLAT; minty paste right in the face.
A howl of laughter fills the room as we have succeeded. Felicity starts to wake up with a very confused face as she we us laugh and she touches the toothpaste upon her face. She too then starts to laugh with us. Our stomachs began to cramp and our eyes watered as we continued to laugh, making us feel connected over a silly prank. From then on I realized that when you plan a prank or anything funny that not only you are happy but those around you are happy too with the simple things in life.
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Dear Elena,
I really loved the tone of voice in this piece I think it had a really childish and nostalgic atmosphere to it as a I read.I loved how placed the sequence of events and the first line in the story as I think it really built the suspense.
One thing I would suggest is just going over it once more and fixing small grammar mistakes such as “Felicity starts to wake up with a very confused face as she we us laugh and she touches the toothpaste upon her face.”
Other then that great job on this piece. I really enjoy your talent for sharing happiness through your writing; this story really made me smile.
Sincerely,
Aliza
Dear Elena,
What a sweet story! I feel that this takes me back to the times I was a kid and how much fun I had growing up. The humor and suspense that was created really draws me in until the end.
If I would correct something, it would be the gumps I noticed throughout your writing. For example, ¨There was so many things to do from enjoying a magic show to bowling with 12 girls, then during the night we did our nails and watched Tinker Bell.¨ I feel it should be corrected to ¨There was so many things to do from enjoying a magic show to bowling with 12 girls. Then during the night we did our nails and watched Tinker Bell.¨ Just something to keep in mind as you write.
Overall, I really liked your story and the theme of your blog as well.I hope to see more stories like this in the future.
Sincerely, Zainab.K
Dear Elena,
Reading this post brought back so many fun memories from that night. I truly enjoyed it because it was funny and captured the concept of little girls and there dumb ideas at sleepovers. And it made me think how I never got you back you better watch out girl.
For improvements i would recommend re-reading your piece and fix some of the grammatical errors and watch out for those GUMPS. Another thing I would recommended is to be more descriptive for the readers so that they can paint a better picture in their mind.
In conclusion I loves reading this post and you better watch out and sleep with one eye open.
Love,
Felicity
Dear Elena,
I really like this post and the simplicity of childhood that is captured within this. Your post brought back some similar memories for me.
To improve I would suggest that you re-read some of your writing as there are a few grammar and punctuation mistakes here and there. I would also suggest that you go into a bit more detail with your descriptions, as this would help to paint a clearer picture within the readers mind.
overall I loved this post and how you were so effectively able to explain the event in a clear and concise manner!
Lots of love,
Zabu-E
Dear Elena,
First off, I would like to say that the aesthetics of your blog are awesome! It totally matches your upbeat and happy vibe.
This was entertaining and fun to read! I especially liked how you improvised and used toothpaste when you didn’t have whipped cream. It’s very nice to see that Felicity found the humour in the prank!
One suggestion I have for you is to elaborate a little bit more and add some detail. Other than that though, I absolutely loved reading this and I was laughing by the time I had gotten through the whole thing. I look forward to reading more of your writing soon!
Sincerely,
Swapanthi